I had all sorts of great ideas. Things to do, to write about, to see… It all seemed so wonderful, until it wasn’t anymore.
I started this blog as part of my transition in to a happy reset on my life. I told myself that I was going to make the best of life no matter what it was. I intend to keep my word.
The problem with things like that, is that other bits of life still find their way in.
A topic I find hard to talk about, even harder than the endometriosis itself, is the fatigue and depression that come along with it. These are by no means the only symptoms of the disease, but for me, these are the two that get to me.
I know there is a lot of pain with this disease, and pain is something I have become all too familiar with because of it. However, pain is something I have had before, be it related or not. I know for some it is crippling, and my heart goes out to you strong women. However, for me, the fatigue is the part that gets to me, and leads me fastest into depression.
A bit of clarity: I work a physically demanding job in the construction sector. I love my job. When I am home, I love to do and/or help out with as many projects as possible. I love to spend time with family and friends, entertaining or socializing. I love to be physically active, biking and hiking too. I love all of this… when I can.
That is the kicker for me, when I can. I used to be able to do it all and just keep on going. Now, I need to pick and choose just what I do and when, and even then, sometimes my body decides to change the plans.
I end up feeling awful, for not being able to do as much. Work now kicks my butt so hard, that at the end of a regular 12 hour day, all I can do when I get home is shower, eat and go to bed (not really all that fair to my family).
I think about the pain, I can work through that. I have worked through a severely sprained and permanently damaged ankle, by tightening my boot up, and being at work 20 minutes early just to get it on. I have worked through my worst endo days, taking a few more bathroom breaks and with tears in my eyes and heavier breathing. I have worked through a broken wrist (with no cast, but that is another story), and still managed to get things done.
This fatigue though, kills the one part of me that could do that: My energy.
Which leaves me at the second point: Depression.
Useless, helpless, lazy, pathetic, worthless, incapable… I could go on with words that have filled my head as descriptions of myself when I cannot do the things I used to do with little regard for anything but the time to do them.
Rick does his utmost best to be supportive, uplifting and helpful. My mother and father do their parts too.
It is hard though, as they are fighting the only voice I hear louder than, more than, and clearer than anyone else’s, the voice inside my own head.
When I started today I wanted to wallow away and do nothing but enjoy my misery in silence and loneliness. It was all I could think to do.
So instead, I did the one thing I can still do, even when I have nothing left in my energy, I decided to change my mind. I decided to write this to you all. For those out there who also suffer, regardless of the what or the why. For those who also just don’t feel like it, and wished that they did. For anyone who is a partner to those, like my Rick, and may want to know why their voice isn’t the loudest in the room some days.
Mainly, I write this for me, as another step on my journey. One more piece of proof that I can make my life different, if I start each change with a tiny step. I wanted to do nothing, and would have gotten away with it too, if I hadn’t made a promise to myself.
Wherever you are on your journey, keep going, it’s the only way you will ever get there.
Thank you for reading,